Mourning lost relationships

I didn’t understand the impact my accident had on my life and those around me, I left hospital with very little support and had to adjust to a life that I didn’t recognize or understand.

Not being able to understand who you are in your own body is something that I just could not accept, I would look in the mirror and the person staring back wasn’t someone I knew anything about.

My health became my main priority, I wasn’t well enough to fight to save my marriage, go to work or see certain friends and family.

Everything had their own box, my head, my marriage, my day-to-day life but it was my head that I was so desperate to fix.

I became distant, pushed the people closest to me away, I thought I knew what was right, when in reality I couldn’t understand what emotions were or even what was happening to me. The confident, outgoing, full of smiles and 100mile an hour girl I once was, became shy, too scared to talk, snappy and the complete opposite to the person I once was.

I was so desperate to try and feel something, something that felt normal. I am still to this day trying to figure out what emotions are what and being able to deal with them.

The only difference to who I am now is that I am learning to accept the changes that have been forced upon me. 

Zalehka (second from left) with her close friends

I don’t think I will ever fully be able to understand what’s happened but I’ve learnt very quickly that the more you fight against it, the harder it is on your general wellbeing.

Zalekha with her supportive mum

There isn’t a magic wand and I’ve lost a lot from my life in the early stages of my recovery, things that I will never be able to change or get back

In my head I was made to feel as if I had made the whole situation up, so to hear from doctors and Headway tell me that what I was feeling was normal for a brain injury, instantly stopped me feeling so isolated from the rest of the world.

Certain relationships have changed. The ones that are no longer there, I think will forever be a part of me that I will never be able to change. I feel almost helpless, I know they were a big part of me and only now I look back and question who I am or who I was then.

I knew that in time within my recovery, I would mourn what once was but I never thought I would always feel guilty for wanted to get better. For wanting my head to return to what it once was.

Only time has shown me that what was once me is no longer the person I am. The ones that stand by me i.e. my mum and certain friends that have understood that unfortunately the person I was to who I am today are two different people.

They have made me appreciate the relationships I have, they’ve made me see who actually wants to be a part of my life. I think they’ve understood who I’ve become more than I have.

The best thing about the ones that stand by me is the fact they love me regardless of what has happened, who I’ve become or who I once was.

They’ve given me the strength and the hope that in time I will once again be happy and become a better version of who I was. 

That is what pushes me every day, that in time I will be happy for who I’ve become.